Bad Things
by Orrick
Summary: wkjsjvk


"Sookeh, someone is at the door." Bill didn't look up from his _Fang Weekly_ magazine, and Sookie shot him a glance of unvoiced annoyance. Whoever it was seemed to enjoy the sound the doorbell made, because they were ringing it every second.

"Sookeh wah are you not at the door yet?" Bill slammed his magazine down, the pages flipping to one side and the cover being revealed. A sexy, blond-haired vampire was grinning at the camera, his pearly white fangs glinting from the light. Bill pretended to punch his face in, but let out an "Oww" when his fist collided with the coffee table. "Ah cannot stand Eric Northman."

"I know, Beel." Sookie huffed, pausing in front of the door. "Everyone in Bon fucking Temps knows, Beel. Why can't you just get over it?"

"Sookeh do not defy meh! Answer the door!" Bill jumped off the couch with his vamp-speed and pointed a tiny finger at Sookie. Sookie only answered the door because the ringing was annoying, not because Bill told her to.

A teenage girl, around 15, was standing on the porch and gazing at Sookie with round eyes. "Hiya, I'm Wut." The girl was tall; she could very easily step on half of the cast if she wanted to. Her hair bows easily gave her a foot over Bill, something that Sookie noticed as she stood in the doorway.

Sookie blinked. "You're what?"

"There you go. Now, Miss Stackhouse, did you know that Bon Temps has more supernatural creatures than any other small town? It's odd, isn't it?"

"…How do you know my name?" Sookie was slowly closing the door.

"I looked you up on the internet." Wut waved her question off with her right hand. "Can I come in?" Before Sookie could say 'no' Wut had already pushed her way in and was gasping like a little girl at all of Sookie's things. "What's this?" She asked, picking up a half-empty bottle of Tru Blood. "Le gasp! Is this what I think it is?" She sniffed it, grimaced, and threw it on the ground.

"I really don't think-"

"Now you're probably wondering why I'm here." Wut stopped looking around. Her back, thankfully, was turned to Bill so she could not see him. "I, Wut, am new to Bon Temps. I've always been curious in supernatural beings, but I've never actually met one. Where's your boyfriend?"

Sookie put her angry face on. "Get out of my house, right now." She sniffed, making the mistake of glancing past Wut's shoulder and at Bill. Wut turned around, her eyes growing wide when she saw the skinny, pale man before her.

"A vampire!"

"Ah do not think you should be here." Bill rose, puffing his chest out. "Ah am the man of the household, and Ah ask that you leave immediately. Unlike Sookeh, Ah have authoritah."

"Why do you talk funny?" Wut asked, squinting at Bill. "Ah have authoritah." She mimicked, making the same scrunched up face Bill always wore. Bill frowned.

"Ah will use mah vampiah powahs to-"

"Keel meh, right?" Wut laughed at how angry Bill was getting. "Ah think you need to calm down." She used her index fingers to sprout fake fangs, and Bill let out a shriek of utter frustration.

"AH AM NOT PLEASED WITH-" They heard the gentle _click_ of the door opening, and all pairs of eyes turned to see a startled Jessica walk into the room, Hoyt trailing closely behind her, like a lost puppy.

Jessica looked around, her eyes resting momentarily on the beaming teenager in Bill's living room. "Uh," Was all she could manage to say. "…I think Hoyt and I can wait upstairs." Jessica was heading for the stairs, Hoyt glued behind her.

"Wait!" Wut screamed, running over and kicking Hoyt in the face. "I want to talk to you! You're a vampire!" Before Jessica could respond Wut grabbed the young vampire's forearm and dragged her over to the couch, where Bill had finally sat down.

"Stop manhandling me!" Jessica tried to swat her away. Hoyt, in a total rage to defend his girlfriend, ran over to stop Wut but ended up tripping over a mysterious invisible object he would claim later existed. He let out a groan of pain, trying to drag himself over to Jessica for some blood. She ignored him.

"What is going on?" A tall, dark haired man poked his head in the doorway, taking in the scene. "Is someone hurt? Sookie, are you hurt?"

Wut, upon spying the man, swooned over to the doorway and collapsed in his arms, beaming up at him. "Sookie over there is _a-okay_, but I'm feeling a bit lightheaded." Wut bit her bottom lip. "You smell like wood. And paint."

Alcide dropped her on contact. "Uh, where was I…oh yeah! Sookie. All about Sookie." Sookie started to swoon, like Wut, but Wut tripped her.

"You're a werewolf, right?" Wut took out a notebook no one knew she had and ran her index finger down one of the pages. "I looked you up and you uh, you're dating a werewolf, grr. I also downloaded maybe two…fourteen…fifty six of your pictures."

Alcide stared at her. "Not anymore."

Everyone in the room but Sookie looked at Alcide with shock. He decided to elaborate. "Debbie and I broke up because I killed this werewolf with long hair."

"So SEXY!" Wut scribbled some stuff down. Bill looked at everyone in the room, a sudden, vampire fury coming on.

"Geh out!" He screeched, throwing a small, light object at Wut that turned out to be two socks rolled up together. "AH DEMAND EVERYONE LEAVE! SOOKEH IS MINE!"

Wut scrambled over to where Bill was having a rage-fest. "SOOKEH IS HIS, Y'ALL. HE WILL KEEL YOU, AND YOU ALL NEED TO GEH OUT!"

Bill screeched in total rage, throwing more socks around the room. Wut mimicked him, picking up the socks he threw and throwing them again. After ten minutes of this chaos, Bill finally calmed down; his breathing would have slowed down if he breathed. "Ah…do not…appreciate…this."

"Heh…does not…appreciate…this."

Bill would have strangled Wut right then and there if Lafayette had not walked in at that very moment. Sookie really needed to close her front door more often. The buff, flamboyant black guy looked around with a sneer on his face. "Uh, bitch please." He picked up an old sock. "Y'all niggas really need to clean up this bitch more often. Get some leopard print or sequins or some shit, I don't fucking know." He flicked his nonexistent hair. "Of course, I'm the most fabulous of them all, so I shouldn't judge bitches who can't clean up."

Wut looked highly offended. "'Scuse me, but _I'm_ the most fabulous of them all." She flicked her existent hair. "You tacky bro."

Lafayette swaggered over to her, and they all stared, dumbfounded, at the scene unfolding before them. "Bitch, Tara's mamma be more sane than your wardrobe. I be on top of this shit." He gave a few fast snaps.

Wut scoffed. "Puh-lease. Didn't anyone tell you that sequins-on-everything was only in fashion…never." She sniffed, eyeing him. "If I put you through a wash cycle on heavy-duty and added a bit of perfume I could sell you at the discount store down the street."

Lafayette's eyes bulged at her remark and he placed his hands on his hips, with delicacy, opting to finish Wut off early. "Listen here, bitch, I don't have time for this nonsense. I'm obviously way more fabulous than you, so you can run along and sell Girl Scout cookies or do whatever the fuck girls your age do. It does not affect me, ho."

Wut pouted for a moment before thinking of an idea. "You think you're more fabulouser?"

Lafayette nodded. "Uh-huh."

Wut put a finger to her chin. "Well, maybe you are. You know what, you ARE. You are the most fabulous." Lafayette was about to interrupt with a 'bitch I told you so' but Wut continued. "Well, what I mean is, you _were_ more fabulous than me. You were, up until you were possessed and KILLED YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND!"

Lafayette couldn't take it anymore, not after than last sentence, and the world seemed to stop turning for a millisecond, static filling their ears. An explosion, some coughs, and a yell of triumph.

Lafayette had exploded into glitter when the pressure became too much. Every gaped as the glitter filled literally every inch of the room, Bill being unfortunate enough to have his mouth open at the time of the explosion. "Ewww." Exclaimed Sookie, one of her heels breaking off as she tried to step around the piles of glitter. "Beel come help me."

"OH MY GOD WHERE'S HOYT?" Jessica looked around, trying to find her beloved boyfriend. "Where is he? Is he under the glitter? SOMEBODY FIND HOYT WHILE I WHINE!"

Everyone searched and searched for Hoyt Fortenberry, but under all the glitter it was difficult to tell what was a shoe and what was a limb of Hoyt's. Wut slowly slid over to where Alcide was sitting.

"Alcide." Wut said after many moments of complete silence, staring at a semi-sobbing Jessica and a pissed off Bill. "I just want to let you know that I never could have lived in the glitter explosion if I didn't know I had you to live for. Your voice…your beard…your beard. Everything about you is mesmerizing, and if I had a patio, I'd totally invite you to have sandwiches with me on my patio."

Alcide did not respond because he had his earplugs in and was listening to _Remus and the Lupins_ as she spoke. Wut took this as a good sign, his silence, and skipped off to search the glitter once again. "This is stupid." She said after half an hour, peeling her gloves off. "No one really liked Hoyt, anyway. Besides, isn't Jessica sleeping with Jason now?"

Wut looked at everyone in the room for one last time. "I think this turned out swell, all of it. You are all AWESOME, except for Jessica, Bill, and Sookie. And dead Lafayette. And missing Hoyt." With that she ran off the porch and onto the front yard, hopping into Layfayette's tackyass car. Bill and Sookie walked out on the porch to watch her leave.

"Can you even drive?" Sookie called out as Wut hotwired Lafayette's car.

"No!" Wut replied, looking up as the car started. "But this town kind of sucks major ass so I'm driving to somewhere that has people with actual personality."

Wut drove the car in circles a couple of times, tearing up Sookie's yard. "Bah Beel! Bah Sookeh! Bah Alcide!"

Wut slammed down hard on the gas peddle and the car sped onto the road; she could be seen driving into the distance, singing along to _Bad Things_ by Jace Everett.

* * *

><p><em>El Epílogo<em>

Wut kneeled down to peer at the limp body next to her. "Hoyt…you okay?" She poked him. "Woah, you must have gotten the full force of the glitter explosion. We're five miles away from the Stackhouse residence."

And indeed they were. Wut had only stopped because she thought she hit a deer, but she had in fact hit Hoyt with Lafayette's car. The man had staggered onto the road, sitting down and praying for death. Wut squinted at him once again. "You seem like a mess. Bloody and covered with glitter." She pulled out a pocket-sized camera and snapped a couple of photos.

Hoyt groaned. "I…I…need to speak to J-Jessica."

"Don't you know? Jessica left you for Jason. Like, a few episodes ago. Then again, this whole fic is out of order in every aspect."

Hoyt groaned again and rested his head against the ground. A twinge of pity rose inside of Wut. "You know what? I'm going to go and see if Goodwill wants you. Doesn't that sound nice? I think it does." So she loaded Hoyt in the backseat of Lafayette's car. "C'mon Hoyt, don't be so down. They can hang you next to the shirts."

They drove and drove and drove some more, Hoyt passing out many times. "C'mon Hoyt, you know the lyrics. "_I don't know who you think you are but before the night is through…"_

She stuck her head out the window for all the cornfields to hear.

"I WANNA DO BAD THINGS WITH YOU!"


End file.
